A love letter to the one who loved love the most

how an old street dog taught me to keep my heart open

The only downside to having a dog is that they don’t live long enough. That said, Chubbs was a miracle dog. When I fostered him, the vet thought he only had a few months left. Year after year, I felt he was living on borrowed time. All I wanted was to make whatever time he had left so wonderful that he forgot about his hard past. On Wednesday, just shy of four years after I met him at the shelter, his time was up.

The last photo I took of Chubbs, he looked like a rainbow. We’d been drawing a Finding Nemo mural in our backyard with chalk, and Chubbs, of course, had to rest on all the fish. A few days later, I had to help him cross the Rainbow Bridge.

I’ve had plenty of loss in my life. But I’ve never held a life as it ended. As hard as it was, I knew I had to be there for Chubbs. He deserved to take his last breath enveloped in love.

Chubbs loved love more than any person or dog I’ve ever met.

As I wrote in my healing post from a different loss last month:

Chubbs had such a rough life. We don’t know the details, but he was definitely abused and near death when he was rescued. If anyone has a reason not to trust again, it’s him. But he loves the hardest. He loves love.

It doesn’t matter that he was broken down, left without many teeth, picked up off the street, brought to a shelter, then a temporary house, before making his way into my West Hollywood home. He’s just happy to be alive… and to be loved.

Moments after he passed, I couldn’t breathe. I knew I made the right decision. I knew there was nothing I could have done differently. But after months of intense emotional acrobatics, I felt like I had nothing left. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I picked up Jack Jack and headed straight to the beach.

Just as we were about to walk out onto the sand, a lifeguard yelled, “Check out the dolphins!” I saw a group of people looking out at the ocean, and sure enough, a school of dolphins were popping their fins in and out of the glistening water. I know it sounds crazy, but I felt like Chubbs was with them (maybe even one of them?), born again in a body that could just keep swimming.

I took a few deep breaths, smiled between my tears, and walked down the beach with Jack Jack. The dolphins swam in the same direction. I could’ve sworn I was imagining it, but there they were, bobbing up and down in the water as Jack Jack trotted in front of me in the sand. Finally, we reached the end of the beach, and the dolphins disappeared into the horizon.

I cried myself to sleep that night, mourning the loss of my beloved Chubbs. Hoping Jack Jack would be ok. Obsessing over how I was going to explain to my human son, when he got home, that his furry brother was never coming back. But I kept remembering the dolphins, and deep down I knew that even though Chubbs missed us, he was at peace.

The next day, I went to a different beach with Jack Jack. This time we kept walking back and forth till Jack Jack stopped. The sun was hidden behind the marine layer, so I didn’t understand why my dog (who almost never gets tired) needed a break. Then I realized we’d been walking for two hours.

We sat down to rest and a little girl came over and asked if she could pet my dog. She was probably around four, maybe five. She had a voice box around her neck. Her head was shaved. She looked so fragile, like the wind could knock her over. I took off my sunglasses and smiled, watching the joy in her big brown eyes as she touched Jack Jack’s fluffy tail. And everything shifted into perspective.

There will always be difficulties in life. Some people’s struggles are bigger than others. But we’re not in a contest. What I’ll always remember from Chubbs is this:

No matter what life throws at you, no matter how broken you feel at times, there is always love out there for you.

You just have to be willing to keep your heart open and accept it.

Thank you to everyone who loved Chubbs. And please let this be a reminder not only to never lose hope, but also to always adopt if you’re adding a furry member to your family.

I met Chubbs while volunteering at West LA Shelter. And I adopted him from Love Leo. If you’re in a position to, please donate a little to this wonderful rescue that gives dogs like Chubbs a second chance at life.

💛, Sydne

p.s. Yes, this happened this week, which is why I didn’t publish small talk and will be skipping tomorrow’s style session. Hug your loved ones extra tight for me and I’ll see you next week.

p.s.s. I went through thousands of photos and couldn’t narrow it down. So here’s a little collage of Chubbs: